Not suppose to have pets

[ReaperSS]

http://img220.imageshack.us/img220/7466/52541151.jpg (http://img220.imageshack.us/my.php?image=52541151.jpg)



From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Thankyou for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.

Regards, David.


From: Helen Bailey
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?

Helen


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing. I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships. For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners. I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.

Regards, David.


From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?

Helen


From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours. The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh. Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.

Regards, David.


From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.

Helen


From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

They are very small ducks.

Regards, David.


From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms. These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?

Helen


From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .

Regards, David.


From: Helen Bailey
Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.

Helen

[Yarms]

fkn lol

[Rantopotamus]

he went cold for a bit but finished it off nicely!

[Shauno]

FKN LOL

[Zuicider]

hahahaha

[duste]

So much better than the spider drawing.

[Lonewolf]

haha i do love his work.
same guy as the 7 legged spider, and the party invite

[duste]

haha i do love his work.
same guy as the 7 legged spider, and the party invite

Link to party invite?

[LooneyToons]

ha, that is the best thing since sliced bread, are they by any chance the appartments on redgum? because i was evicted from their due to not reporting graffiti on the wall at christmas time.. in court she said it was obiously me who did it because i have unfavourable guests the kind that wear baggy pants and caps.. the judge just laughed and said any male between 14 and 30 and through it out of court... i still gt evicted tho.

[matt_2jzs13]

lol funny shit

also keen to hear about the party invite?

[Halle Terry]

http://www.27bslash6.com/

Fairly sure that's his website, havn't found the party invite one yet.

[Zuicider]

how many dogs are u allowd to keep in the burbs of perth

[mitchy]

party invite - http://www.27bslash6.com/matthewsparty.html

[Lonewolf]

http://www.27bslash6.com/

Fairly sure that's his website, havn't found the party invite one yet.

yeah thats it, beware that you can spend a lot of time on the site haha

[XF Falcon]

lol that party one is great also :D

[Zuicider]

hahaha

[R3N]

Dear Helen,

They are very small ducks.

Regards, David.

absolute gold!

[duste]

yeah thats it, beware that you can spend a lot of time on the site haha

Should have read that before I opened it up, they're fucking brilliant lol. The final emails of http://www.27bslash6.com/lesley.html are the best haha.

[Joe]

I hope one of my tenants do that to me.

I'll send them a breach of lease, then I'll send them a notice of vacate...then I'll lock them out of their tenancy, we'll see how they respond to that!

[TJ]

"Joe Saraceni, 26, was shot by an angry tenant whom he just locked out from their premisis"

Something like that?

Laugh nigga, its a joke!

Much better then the party invite, seemed lame to me.

[MISS 13B]

LOL what a buzz-kill

[Joe]

"Joe Saraceni, 26, was shot by an angry tenant whom he just locked out from their premisis"

Something like that?

Laugh nigga, its a joke!

Much better then the party invite, seemed lame to me.

I am laughing, its more fun than you think to lock someone out :D

[jEstEr?]

you're an idiot joe <3

[zxz]

how many dogs are u allowd to keep in the burbs of perth

two

you will need coucil permission to keep more. but normally you just have to prove that they are not overcrowded and cannot get out and get enough exercise.



I hope one of my tenants do that to me.

I'll send them a breach of lease, then I'll send them a notice of vacate...then I'll lock them out of their tenancy, we'll see how they respond to that!

you cant breach someone on the suspicion of them having a pet. you would have to prove it. you would need to have witnesses/neighbour sight the pets or catch them on a rent inspection
you must never have had a bad tenant - the quickest way of evicting them will still take around 2 months and thats if they go quietly

[Kye]

oh god.

Joe is 1/2 way through an essay response, I can feel it in my waters

[DISTRBD]

I am laughing, its more fun than you think to lock someone out :D

Be more fun driving through front wall to get in ..

[Joe]

you cant breach someone on the suspicion of them having a pet. you would have to prove it. you would need to have witnesses/neighbour sight the pets or catch them on a rent inspection

Duh.


you must never have had a bad tenant - the quickest way of evicting them will still take around 2 months and thats if they go quietly

So when I issue a Form 20 (Residential Tenancies Act 1987) and they have 14 days to rectify, whose to say I can't issue a Form 1C (Residential Tenancies Act 1987) after that period of time if the breach hasn't been rectified, and give them 7 days?

Thats taking into account 2 clear days for delivery of the notice each way, just because I'm a nice bloke.

If they go quietly, it shouldn't take longer than 7 days, or whatever period of time I decide to give them. If not, then it becomes a problem.

[Turbo2.6L]

LOL

[Lonewolf]

haha, knew Kye was on the money.
Joe never fails!

[Mistikal]

It's fun kicking people out :D

[Cochee]

NOt if they trash the house then keep breaking in all the time.

[Brockas]

I hope one of my tenants do that to me.

I'll send them a breach of lease, then I'll send them a notice of vacate...then I'll lock them out of their tenancy, we'll see how they respond to that!

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_KZxVxmfWsYo/SVVDKCAVl4I/AAAAAAAAEzY/KjiyDKWmyeA/s400/Buzz.jpg

[Skitzo]

hahahahahahhahahaha. nice one paul.

[[FFOUR]]

ROFL.

[Mad_Aussie]

I have however attached this photo of a mouse riding on a toads back. It is a visual metaphor for how you must have felt writing that last email; magnanimous, the world on your shoulders and moist.


Truly epic

[bjohnson]

I hope one of my tenants do that to me.

I'll send them a breach of lease, then I'll send them a notice of vacate...then I'll lock them out of their tenancy, we'll see how they respond to that!

I'm sure they would probably respond like this

The landlord must apply for the order within 30 days of the moving out date shown on the notice. The order can be enforced with a warrant authorising a Bailiff to evict you. The landlord is not permitted to change locks, turn off the electricity or take any other action to force you out of the property, unless authorised by a court.

You can ask for an order by a magistrate to be suspended for up to 30 days if the situation is likely to cause you hardship. You have some protection under the Act if you believe that action to evict you was due to complaints you made in the previous six months to a public authority, or other steps you took to enforce your rights. You can remain in the rental property until the matter goes to court and can argue against the ending of the agreement.

You cannot be forced out of a property without a court order. This applies to all tenants. Any other method of eviction is unlawful under the Act.

http://www.commerce.wa.gov.au/ConsumerProtection/Content/Real_Estate/Renting_and_tenancy/Tenants/Ending_a_tenancy.html

[Kye]

time4popcorn

[bjohnson]

LOL
I don't care enough for that.

Just thought I would put it out there :)

[PSI 304]

I'll come back in an hour when joe has his reply ready to be published

[Joe]

Don't get it twisted... I'm a commercial portfolio manager, by the terms of any of our commercial leases, I'm allowed to do a whole lot more if they breach their lease, than with the one-sided residential act... including lock-outs.

I know I can't lock-out residential tenants without a court order, I had to study that act inside out to get my REBA license.

The fact is, it doesn't take up to 2 months to evict a tenant...thats what I was getting at in my 2nd post.

If you apply to a court the day after an eviction date, you can actually get an order within a few days, and thats after your initial 7 day notice.

You can do it as quick as 2 weeks in some cases! If they push past this court-specified date, you can then take necessary action to prevent re-entry.

THEN the laws of abandoned goods come into play...very grey area though.

In commercial property, you can do it in as little as 7 days if you wanted to be a cvnt and the lease allowed for it. I'm doing this as we speak with one tenant at a property under my management, its going through the courts as we speak because they owe us a lot of money. I'll be locking them out shortly, probably next week.

Anyway my apologies for sending the thread off course!

[Brockas]

Don't get it twisted... I'm a commercial portfolio manager

http://i39.tinypic.com/21ojr8.jpg

[Joe]

LOL Brockas... awesome :D

[Roobiks]

fucking hilarity.

inb4lock

[Joe]

Not that funny....that whole cherry blossom red incident was funnier!

[Token]

oh to good

lol at cherry blossom lol

[Ryan]

HAHAHAHA

[JAM3S]

ha ha gold! party one is the best IMO pretty sure its in the jokes section on here too.

[zxz]

commercial is completely different

but if you served your residential tenants with a 14 day breach notice and they removed the animal on the 13th day and you inspected the place and it was gone, then they brought it back 2 days later, you would have to serve them a 14 day breach notice again
unless you have a clause in the lease that states after x amount of breach notices the lease will be terminated, then it can continue until the lease is up

anyway i hate this kind of shit - it was the reason i stopped being a property manager

[JME]

Lease determines what actions you can take and the basis on which they can be acted upon. The lease protects the tenants in all cases, but structured accordingly gives right to the landlord when a breach occurs.

[ReaperSS]

From: Les Copeland
Date: Thursday 15 Jan 2009 4.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Poor black boy

What kind of a complete ***ing moron makes fun of starving children? What a pathetic attempt at humour. I have spent time in third world countries and seen children starving with my own eyes and I think you seriously need to grow the **** up.

Les


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 15 Jan 2009 6.41pm
To: Les Copeland
Subject: Re: Poor black boy

Dear Lesley,

Thankyou for your kind email, I am glad you enjoyed the website. In answer to your question, no I cannot send you a photo of myself without a shirt on. I have however attached this photo of a mouse riding on a toads back. It is a visual metaphor for how you must have felt writing that last email; magnanimous, the world on your shoulders and moist.

Regards, David.



http://i40.tinypic.com/awduki.jpg



From: Les Copeland
Date: Friday 16 Jan 2009 10.28am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Poor black boy

Are you ****ing retarted? Where did I ask for a photo of you? I wrote to you about the poor black boy page. As If I would want a photo of someone who thinks starving children are funny.
You need a punch in the head. And my name isnt Lesley moron. Tell me where you live and we will see how ****ing funny you are.

Les


From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 16 Jan 2009 11.02am
To: Les Copeland
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poor black boy

Dear Lesbian,

Thankyou for your request but I regret that I am unable to provide you with an address as I am homeless. Please send money and/or Lego. I have been collecting lego blocks for nearly four years now as I intend to build my own home. I currently have exactly 1,692,008 blocks of various sizes and only need another 4,836,029 to complete plans of constructing a four bedroom home with sunken lounge and indoor swimming pool. Prior plans to build a home from seawater were abandoned due to physics. The advantages of using lego blocks over traditional building methods, in regards to durability and gaiety of colour, are without question. The only issues are finding a block of land that has a flat green plastic base and gaining council approval but that should not prove a major obstacle as my local member of parliament, Kate Ellis, planet Earth's sexiest space politician, is not adverse to a bribe. Kate Beckinsale is the only other attractive lesbian politician I can think of. The rest are just appalling.

Regards, David.

P.S. I have attached a photo of Kate Ellis as a sexy space girl in case you do not know who she is.

http://i42.tinypic.com/oqlqid.jpg

From: Les Copeland
Date: Saturday 17 Jan 2009 2.09pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poor black boy

I have no idea who the *** that is and it wouldnt suprise me if you were homeless loser. spending your time writing s**t like that instead of getting a real job like a grown up what are you 15? Did your mummy buy you the computer you are using? Why dont you turn off your computer and go outdoors there is a whole world out there. and Les is short for Lester moron. I seriously want to punch you in the ****ing face.


From: David Thorne
Date: Saturday 17 Jan 2009 2.37pm
To: Les Copeland
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poor black boy

Dear moLester,

I appreciate the suggestion but dislike the outdoors, it has bees and sharp sticks in it. Once, when I went camping with my sister and brother, my sister became angry at a comment I made regarding her girth and drove off leaving us stranded two hundred and thirty kilometres from the nearest McDonalds. By the third day we tried eating grass and fought over a small lizard on the fourth. If you and I had known each other then, you could have arranged an emergency Unicef food parcel drop. As it was, we survived only by making love to keep warm and building a vehicle out of our clothing which enabled us to reach the nearest town where we danced for food.

You and I should go camping together some time as you seem like an adventurous, outdoors kind of guy with a love of watersports and everything outdoors. I read somewhere about a father and son who went camping and during the night a tree branch fell on their tent killing the child so I always sleep the furthest distance possible from my son when we are camping together. Safety first. You would be a handy person to have along in case we became lost as we could use your Village People moustache as kindling to create a signal fire and your naturally reflective surface to alert search planes.

In regards to getting a real job, my current position as assistant to the managing assistant in charge of envelopes fills much of my spare time and I have been promised a promotion to assistant to the assistant manager in charge of assistants within ten years. The corporate stepladder has my name on every rung.

Also, I understand your need to assert yourself physically, I too can only experience true intimacy through pain. As I have ventured onto your website and seen your photo, my only requirement would be that we keep the lights off as imagination has it's limits. I have had worse of course, my last girlfriend was the poster girl for 'love is blind' and my current partner is overseas at the moment so the only intimacy in my life involves a stick of salami and the neigbors dog when Glenda & Frank go out Tuesday nights. Once when they arrived home early due to an arguament between them regarding Frank's internet usage, I hid in their wardrobe for four days. As I could see Frank using his computer from my hiding position, I can vouch for his denials to Glenda's accusations that he was "looking at girls on the intenet". He was looking at photos of her. No not really, it was men. To prime myself for your proximity, I have printed your photo out and have it sitting on the couch next to me while we watch a DVD together. Occassionally, I throw an M&M at you and pretend you giggle and tell me to stop it. We are watching Nanny Mcphee which always makes me cry. The bit at the end where her wedding dress materialises out of snow is simply beautiful but my favourite scene is where the robots turn on their human masters.

Regards, David.



From: Les Copeland
Date: Saturday 17 Jan 2009 6.41pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poor black boy

You are a complete idiot. Dont email me again.


From: David Thorne
Date: Saturday 17 Jan 2009 6.57pm
To: Les Copeland
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poor black boy

ok



From: Les Copeland
Date: Saturday 17 Jan 2009 7.02pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poor black boy

**** off

[[RX2]]

you can get lost reading alot on his site




Cats

I promised to look after a friends cat for the week. My place has a glass atrium that goes through two levels, I have put the cat in there with enough food and water to last the week. I am looking forward to the end of the week. It is just sitting there glaring at me, it doesn't do anything else. I can tell it would like to kill me. If I knew I could get a perfect replacement cat, I would kill this one now and replace it Friday afternoon. As we sit here glaring at each other I have already worked out several ways to kill it.

The simplest would be to drop heavy items on it from the upstairs bedroom though I have enough basic engineering knowledge to assume that I could build some form of 'spear like' projectile device from parts in the downstairs shed. If the atrium was waterproof, the most entertaining would be to flood it with water. It wouldn't have to be that deep, just deeper than the cat.

I don't know how long cats can swim but I doubt it would be for a whole week. If it kept the swimming up for too long I could always try dropping things on it as well. I have read that drowning is one of the most peaceful ways to die so really it would be a win win situation for me and the cat I think.