ReaperSS
21-07-2007, 01:29 PM
If you can read this whole story without laughing,
then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the
reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of
you who have lived in Texas , you know how true
this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about
the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major
portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio
City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster
named Mark, who was visiting from Springfield , IL
Mark: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the
judge's table asking for directions to the Coors
Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't
be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
************************************************** ***
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (MARK) -- Holy crap, what the heck is
this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your
driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
************************************************** ***
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI..
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.
I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.
************************************************** ***
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN
CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer
before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.
************************************************** ***
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB
woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?
************************************************** ***
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use
more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain da mage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
********************************************
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety
chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 --
My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted
and I'm worried it will eat through the chair
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.
Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my
rear-end with a snow cone.
************************************************** ***
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much
reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef
literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the
last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about
Judge# 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.
At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,
I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
************************************************** ***
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice
blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge# 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili.
Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd
have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the
reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of
you who have lived in Texas , you know how true
this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about
the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major
portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio
City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster
named Mark, who was visiting from Springfield , IL
Mark: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the
judge's table asking for directions to the Coors
Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't
be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
************************************************** ***
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (MARK) -- Holy crap, what the heck is
this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your
driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
************************************************** ***
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI..
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.
I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.
************************************************** ***
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN
CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer
before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.
************************************************** ***
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB
woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?
************************************************** ***
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use
more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain da mage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
********************************************
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety
chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 --
My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted
and I'm worried it will eat through the chair
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.
Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my
rear-end with a snow cone.
************************************************** ***
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much
reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef
literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the
last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about
Judge# 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.
At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,
I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
************************************************** ***
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice
blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge# 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili.
Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd
have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report